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I get a funny feeling, it comes from deep inside. I get all mad and angry, wanting to go and hide. My doctor calls it depression, my dad says it's just me. But the thoughts and feelings, no one will ever be able to see. Some say I'm psycho, some say I'm just weird. It's like I'm a different person, and the old me just disappeared. I get really edgy, I want to commit suicide real bad. Then I get a headache, followed by feeling sad. I wish I could get help, I wish it would go away. Maybe if I keep praying real hard, it will some day.
Harsh words & violent blows, hidden secrets nobody knows. Eyes are open, hands are fisted, deep inside I'm warped and twisted. So many tricks & so many lies, Too many whens & too many whys. Nobody's special, nobody's gifted, I'm just me, warped & twisted. Sleeping awake & choking on a dream, listening loudly to a silent scream. Call my mind, the numbers unlisted, lost in someone so warped & twisted. On my knees, alive but dead, look at the invisible blood I've bled. I'm not gone, my mind has drifted, don't expect much, I'm warped &twisted. Burn out, wasted, empty, & hollow, todays just yesterdays tomorrow. The sun died out, the ashes sifted, I'm still here, warped & twisted.
Life is a prison, Oh God let me out. No one to listen, To hear when you shout. Climb the walls of insanity, ride the waves of despair. If you fall it don't matter, theres no one to care. Used to wish for a window, to see birds, trees and sky, but your better without one - stops you aiming to high. Watching freedom is painful, for those locked away. Seeing joy, love and happiness, another price that you pay. Strong is good, weak is bad. Be it false, be it true. Your mind makes the choice, and enforces it too. Cell walls built by society, with rules to adhere. If you breach the acceptable, you had better beware. Hide the pain, carry on, routine is the key. Don't let on that your not, what your pretending to be. Lock it all up inside you, how badly that bodes. Look out for that one day, when it all just explodes. Leaving naught but a shell, base functionality too. But killing all else, that was uniquely you. So how do you grow, with a time bomb inside? Or how to defuse it, without destroying its ride? You can't.
These ideas in my head are wringing my conscience, the love I feel is not yours to take, but you have it all the same although, you will never know this truth, my secret is safe and sound within myself, and I will bear my guilt alone, I cannot change the voice of my heart, but I can silence it for the sake of loyalty, so we will live and love and carry on, and perhaps in the next life...
Things don't always go the way they should, I wanted to be loved, but most of all.. understood.
Oh gentle winds 'neath moonlit skies, Do not you hear my heartfelt cries? Below the branches, here about, Do not you sense my fear and doubt? Side glistening rivers, sparkling streams, Do not you hear my woeful screams? Upon the meadows, touched with dew, Do not you see my hearts a'skew? Beneath the thousand twinkling stars, Do not you feel my jagged scars? Seek not my mournful heart kind breeze, For you'll not find it 'mongst these trees. It's scattered 'cross the moonlit skies, Accompanied by heartfelt sighs. It's drifting o're the gentle rain, A symbol of my silent pain. It's buried 'neath the meadow fair, Conjoined with all the sorrow there. It's lost among the stars this night, Too far to ease my quiet fright. No gentle winds, seek not my heart, For simply ... it has torn apart.
Dreaming about you and me, waking up and knowing it'll never be. You are always in my dreams, I don't know why, or what it means. My dreams are filled with thoughts of you, Us together, someday two.
I've been pushed down so many times, I feel this time will be the last, as I lay here fading, my thoughts are invaded by memories of my past, I feel the pressures of shame and rejection building
as I lay here on the floor, I have no strength to get up, I'm not worth it any more.
My Road Of Hurt
I tried not to take you for granted, please forgive me my friend.
I walk this road with a trusted soul.
Stunned, frightened I must now walk it alone.
I must force myself to look beyond.
This road is filled with obstacles and hindrances, as I go on my quest.
I ask myself questions, never an answer that will help me.
Pushing, twisting, hoping for peaceful resolutions.
Feeling the pain, never understanding the wrench in my heart.
Remnant lines will always remain.
Knowing you are the reason I can walk with head held high, and beaming smile.
Randy VanDeMoortele (friend of mine)
03/13/08
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